Sick and Wandering

So I have been sick this past week...it's actually been just over a week and it's been the worst sickness of my life.
 I cannot remember a time I have been as sick as this - super high fever, chills, no energy, inability to breathe, odd anxiety-ridden dreams...it's been MISERABLE! Some interesting lessons have come during this time, however. Some will hopefully pop up in blog entries over then next few weeks, some won't. And during the time in which I was sick, the earth was shook with a horrendous earthquake. People suffered.

I have faith in my Heavenly Father and I know that He has a purpose for me. I am struggling to know what that purpose is, though. The answer to this question usually comes through prayer, scripture study, and reflecting on my patriarchal blessing. And while I am in this process, I have been sick, which leaves lots of time for thinking (but usually the thinking isn't clear). I think what it boils down to is when I was younger and I thought about when I would be in my 30s, I assumed I would be married with kids. Now, I am faced with a different reality. I am not upset about this right now, just not sure what the picture looks like. I feel as though I have shattered glass in front of me and I am trying to create a beautiful vista yet I have no vision. I am not sure how to create what I cannot see. And I struggle.

You know, Moses led the people to the Red Sea and waited. I have always imagined that the Lord had Moses up to his nose on his tip toes in the water before the Sea was parted because He wants us to step forward in faith. I am all for that, I just want to make sure I step in the right direction. As I write this, I find myself wondering, what if that was not the "right" direction, but the direction Moses took and the Lord accepted the sacrifice and blessed him. Maybe had he stepped toward the charging chariots, they would have been cast aside. I don't know...I am not into rewriting scripture, but I guess I am wondering if the Lord has a specific path He wants me on or can I choose one of many paths and He will bless and sanctify that path? I am going to have to think about this...new thoughts make my head dizzy sometimes. :)

At the end of the day, however, this is one of those "but if not" moments. I will not lose faith because I don't see my life fitting the picture I once dreamed of, rather, I will go forward and see the Lord's vision for me and learn better how to walk with Him. Now if only I can figure out where to step... "O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me." (3 Ne 9:13-14)